Is this it?

Everything is disheartening.
Everyone is getting on my nerves.
I’m anxious.
I’m nervous.
I’m irritable.
I’m sad.
I’m confused.

It’s only been just short of 2 weeks since my official graduation, so why am I so down in the dumps about not having a full-time job?
I know that I’m not the only one and there are other people struggling too.
Maybe they all feel like this.
Who knows.
I feel like I have no Plan B.
Hah. Plan B didn’t even work and I had to get an abortion.
But I guess it worked out.
Maybe my job situation will just be the same.
I hope not.
It’ll just be the worst case scenario.

Everyone is bothering me.
I don’t want to listen to my friends complain to me.
I don’t want to listen to what they have to say.
I don’t care.
I have my own problems and I don’t go around blabbering to all my friends.
I do not care that you are in a bad mood.
Don’t go posting that you are in a bad mood, because even after I see it, I won’t approach you.
Don’t tell me you’re in a bad mood.
I should care, but I don’t.
I have enough of my bad luck to deal with, I don’t need you to add your bad mood onto it.
I’m busy trying to calm myself without need to worry about lift you up.

I don’t care that you are busy this week.
If you are going to ask me to hang out, let me know when you’re free, and I’ll see if I can accommodate.
Don’t ask to hang out during a week that you’re busy and try to squeeze me into your schedule.
I don’t need to be squeezed into your schedule, nor do I want to be.
Because I know what is going to follow.
You’re going to tell me what you did prior to meeting me.
You’re going to tell me or rather complain to me about the person you saw, or something you find funny that they did.
Truthfully, I don’t really care for your funny moment stories.
It’s tiring to laugh along.
It’s tiring to play along.

I just want to be.

I’m anxious.
I feel like a failure and nothing matters.
I don’t want to eat because what do I need the energy for? Not like I have anything to do with it.
I could literally just be gone and nothing would change.
I just want to know the feeling of death. I want to know what it’ll feel like. I think I would enjoy it more than the state that I’m in right now.
Nothing is enjoyable.

No one knows I have an unhealthy relationship with food.
They think I’m fine because I eat normally when I’m out with them.
But truthfully, I hate myself every time.
The next couple days are following my more exercises and less food, until I feel like I’m deserving.
Deserving of what, I don’t know.
I’m already underweight and I’m at joy at the sight of the number on the scale dropping.
A single pound increase will throw me off for the rest of the day, even week, until I can get it back down.
My veganism is 25% animal welfare, 25% environmental, 50% a problem.
It’s helping me to cut out a lot of food, a lot of unhealthy food that I could be eating.
Fried chicken, lots of pastries, ice cream, most desserts, and a lot of high protein foods and dense food.
I know I have a problem but I can’t stop.

I want to ask some of my other friends that I don’t see quite as often to hang out, but I don’t know what to offer to do.
I want to do things, but fear that I won’t have the energy to do so.

I want to do everything, but nothing at all.

I just want to stay in bed all day as I feel the day go by.

At this point, I feel like whatever I do, I’ll just hate myself.

I’m just anxious.
Anxious that something is going to happen and I won’t know what to do.
Anxious that nothing is going to happen and I won’t know how to figure things out.
Anxious for the future, for the life I will have.
Anxious that this is just going to be me forever.
Anxious that if I don’t hang out with people, I will lose them, be distant.
I want to keep people close but I don’t want them to feel like I’m asking for too much, or talking too much.
Less is more, right?
Or maybe not.
More is always better?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s