Lack there of

Can’t sleep.
Can’t think.
Can’t eat.

Well, actually. I am doing all those things. Necessities.
Either be a zombie or force yourself the minimum.

I never thought that I would be in this position.
Anxious. Jobless. Stressed.
I should give myself a little more breathing room, but I feel like I don’t deserve it.
I don’t deserve sleep.
I don’t deserve to eat.
I don’t deserve to relax.
I just want to deprive myself of all life necessities until I am back on my feet. But in order to be back on my feet, I need to take care of myself.
You see the problem?

I just feel like my degree is pretty much useless.
I hasn’t helped me to land a single job.
I guess it has helped me out with interviews, but no job.
I can’t even get any job.
Am I too desperate? Does it have a smell?

I just want to be proud of myself.
And I should be, I finished my 4-year degree.
I graduated with distinction.
I have accomplished so much.
I am healthy.
I have great friends.
I have great people in my life, yet I can’t seem to really believe it.
Just always being cynical about things, as usual.

I can’t sleep.
I need to be job searching.
I need to be job searching to a point where I have explored every possible option. Maybe I need to broaden my search.

Take the leap into getting more education.
I love learning.
I love studying.
I love having something to do.
I don’t want to feel so empty.
I want to do something with purpose.

Not even a month of vacation and I’m already over it.
I can’t seem to enjoy it if it’s readily available.
I want things to be purposeful.
I don’t just want it to be.

Is that too much to ask for?


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