I’m afraid, of most things. Maybe even everything.
But one thing I’m most afraid of is admitting to life fortunes and misfortunes.
Admitting to life circumstance.

I would like to think and believe that it’s in my control. If I try hard enough, if I put all my efforts into something, it will go the way I want it to. Never mind the things that you don’t think about that happens.
When you are trying to make something work for yourself, and it just won’t.
I should admit to it, I should struggle. It’s okay to struggle and seek for comfort and help.
But I don’t.
Instead I pass it off as “purposeful.”
It’s probably nothing to be ashamed of, but I shame myself.

I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t like feeling that my life is out of my control. I don’t want to feel foreign in my body because I’m not at where I have imagined myself to be. This is not who I am supposed to be. I am not supposed to be like this. I am not supposed to be here.
What is wrong with me?

I just want to lay in bed and cry my heart out.
Although, if I ever did, I’ll probably never admit to that either. It is a result of feeling like my life is out of my control. I feel like I would feel so much better if everything was in my control, but I know that it will never be like so.
So I guess this is how I’going to be in this lifetime.
But if I were to come back in another form, I don’t want this energy to travel to another body. I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone.

Finding a job is hard.
I can’t find a proper full-time or even a part-time job.
So whenever the topic comes up, I say, “oh, I don’t really know what I want to do, so I’m still trying to figure it out.” Nonchalant is the effect I’m going for.
Why can’t I admit that I’m trying to find a job but having a difficult time?
Why does admitting the truth feel like admitting defeat, surrendering.
Raising my white flag.
It’s not defeat, it’s owning it.
But somehow I can’t seem to see it like that.
I can’t seem to tell myself the same things I tell my friends when they feel certain ways.

I’m trying to track all my macros and calories.
A lot more difficult than I have anticipated, and a lot more out of my control.
Constantly feeling hungry even after I eat.
Not being able to consume more carbs, so I have to decide.
But then am I really in control, but do I just want to feel like I’m in control.
Really, this tracking app is in control of what I eat. But I still feel like I am in control.

God, why is being happy so difficult.
I don’t want to do anything.

I don’t want to admit to anything bad happening in my life, because I wouldn’t purposely want bad things to happen, therefore, out of my control.
But bad things happen to everyone, and it’s the way we approach the situation that helps us to come out of it stronger, to live life fuller.
It’s like I’m willing to give away the good to get rid of the bad.
If they’re a packaged deal, I don’t want it.

So I stay numb.
I rather not have the good if it means working through the bad.
I rather not feel, not be happy.
At least I’m choosing not to be happy.
Active decision.

They’re monsters in my head.
Always in the back of my mind.
When I think things are good, it’s there to remind me.
Some have voices to keep them grounded.
I have voices that pulls me into the shadows.
It wants me to live in the shadows because being in the light might be good, but it’ll get you notices, it’ll give you happiness and warmth, but it can also bring pain and sadness.
It’s all the things I want, but I’m weak.
So I let the monsters win.


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