So I took a lunge.
I want to love myself.
I want to love myself with the little imperfections.
I want to embrace the flaws as individuality.
I want to feel comfortable and safe with myself.
I’ve been in this weird kind of a funk lately.
I have never felt this way before, or maybe it’s just been suppressed and denied too many times.
Maybe this is just a temporary feeling due to an imbalance in myself.
Whatever the matter, I need to get to the core of where this feeling is emanating from. It’s bothering me.
One day, I’m just going to say “I give up” and that’s going to be the end of it.
I say it as a way to relieve stress without actually giving up. Sometimes it just feels nice to say so, a feeling of weight being lifted.
But one day, I’m really going to give up because my life is not where I want it to be and I don’t know how to cope with it.
There’s a mountain on my plate and I have no appetite.
But the pressure of needing to clear my plate.
It’s just too much.
I’m officially at the most awkward stage in life.
I don’t know where I am, and I don’t know where I’m going.
One moment I am so sure of what I want to do and where I’m going, but a moment later I’m completely lost, again.
I keep reading the map, I look for signs on the road, but they seems to keep changing.
I should be following my heart, my gut, but it’s so hard not to look at the map when it’s right in front of me.
It’s hard not to look at the map in fear of getting lost, but looking at the map isn’t doing me any good either.
I’m going to be lost either way.
Today marks a day where I am so overjoyed that makes me want to cry.
A day where I am so excited for someone else.
My best friend left yesterday to prepare to start her Master’s.
When she messaged me to say that she was on the flight, it hit me.
She’s really going.
I am so happy and proud of her.
Not a single ounce of jealousy.
Not a single ounce of self-pity.
Not a single ounce of envy.
Only love and happiness.
My heart bursts with joy for her.
I just can’t believe the day is finally here.
I wish I could be there for her.
I am extra happy for her because this isn’t what she expected for herself.
She’s nervous and scared, so I guess I am doing all the happy for her.
I know that she’s going to be great.
I know that she’s going to get along with other people so fine.
I know that she’s going to do so well.
I know that her profs will adore her.
I know her new housemates will enjoy her company.
I know that she will have so much to share when she comes back at the end of the semester.
I know that she will be loved.
I know that she is going to go so far in life.
She is strong.
I never knew I could be so happy for another person.
I never understood why other people cried at weddings.
I understand, even though it seems like a minuscule event compared to a wedding.
I can only imagine how happy I will be at my friends’ weddings.
I can’t wait.
I feel like the world around me is crashing down.
In this moment in time, I feel like there’s so much weight on every little detail.
Every little detail crucial.
One wrong fold and it’s a crease I’ll never get out.