Posted in Self-evaluation

Overruling Fate

Is there such thing as fate, or just like religion, do we believe it to find comfort?
Do we rely on it, simply because it helps us to get through the day?
Does it help us to rest easy knowing that even the bad things are a part of our fate and we just need to make the most out of it?
But is there really fate.
Are we the only writers to our own book or is there another influence? Is there a factor outside of us that co-write our book?

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Posted in Self-evaluation

Mind over matter

It is true what everyone says, mental illness consumes you.
You can’t glamorize it no matter how hard you try.
You try to exploit your own mental illness to work in your favourite, maybe to pave your path, but it doesn’t work like that, really.
The more you think about it, the more it makes you want to cry. But you can’t really not think about it, because then you just end up not thinking about it at all. You wonder if everyone feels like this. I wonder if everyone feels like this. I become consumed in other people. I wonder what they’re thinking. I wonder if they’re just as numb as I am, blocking out as much as they can. Trotting along, trying to hide who they are.

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Posted in Self-evaluation

Life paths

I am trying to feel better, but I’m scared.
I am scared of genuinely feeling better and being okay, because I don’t know what that’s like.
I don’t know what it’s like to be okay.
I don’t know if I’ll be okay.
I am so used to feeling like this that this is the only reality I know of.
I often wonder if other people always feel like this. I wonder what it feels like to be them. I wonder what it is like to live a life where you don’t feel like this. I don’t really know if that even exists.
Maybe the people are better at covering it up and ignoring it better than me. Maybe that’s all it comes down to.
Maybe.

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Posted in Self-evaluation

Dragging the future

I’m not really sure what I’m doing or what I’m going to be doing.
I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
I don’t want to live my life on the edge of always pondering if something is ever going to come along.
I want to stop wondering what’s going to happen to me.
I want to get something going so that I have a starting point, so that I can begin to start figuring out what it is that I want to do.
I keep wanting to believe that there is something out there for me, waiting to be found and chased after, but I don’t really know what that is.

The more I think about this, the more I want to cry, and the less I want to do.
Everything seems to be making me upset and irked.
I feel like I’m wasting away my time.
I feel like I’m not deserving of sleep.
I don’t deserve anything.
I have lost all my self worth for myself.
I’m detached.

There are so many endless possibilities, yet none for me.
I feel like I am drawing at random from a hat which will determine the path that I will take.
It’s a wild guess.
A wild pick.

But I just want something.

I want something to look forward to.
I want something to talk about, to discuss, to think about.
I don’t know what I want to do.

The most upsetting part about this is that I want to get into Masters.
I want to apply to a Masters program for the next year.
But I also really want to go to UBC, which I can’t even begin to apply to without 2 years of full-time post-BSW relevant experience.
I just want to study.
I enjoyed studying so much.
Having something to stress over, the feeling of having so much to do.
The rush of meeting deadlines and staying up studying to see good results.

Good results in the real world is so hard to see.
I just need some help.
I just want to be back in school.
I want to learn.
I want to continue learning.
I want to converse with people.
I want to share my passion.

But what is my passion. I’m not really sure.

All I know is that I can feel a burning fire of passion in me that wants to be let out, but I don’t know for what I have such longing.
For everything, but not specific enough.
Everything is not an option.
There is not a job that’s going to allow everything as an option, and if they do, I don’t qualify because I don’t have experience in everything.

I want to do good things.
I want to affect people.
I want to be able to help people, help them feel better, help them to understand that they are strong and will go on.
That they are capable of so much and can do so much, and they can change, if they wanted to.

What would happen if I just stopped sleeping until I found a job?
Or until I got an interview?
I’ll just apply day and night.
I’ll eat just enough and exercise more.
If there’s no more places to apply to, I’ll look knee deep into Masters programs and all the possibilities.
Make an Excel chart of all my possible graduate schools and/or program options.
I’ll just stay up.