Posted in Self-evaluation

For you

Today marks a day where I am so overjoyed that makes me want to cry.
A day where I am so excited for someone else.

My best friend left yesterday to prepare to start her Master’s.
When she messaged me to say that she was on the flight, it hit me.
She’s really going.
I am so happy and proud of her.
Not a single ounce of jealousy.
Not a single ounce of self-pity.
Not a single ounce of envy.
Only love and happiness.

My heart bursts with joy for her.
I just can’t believe the day is finally here.
I wish I could be there for her.
I am extra happy for her because this isn’t what she expected for herself.
She’s nervous and scared, so I guess I am doing all the happy for her.

I know that she’s going to be great.
I know that she’s going to get along with other people so fine.
I know that she’s going to do so well.
I know that her profs will adore her.
I know her new housemates will enjoy her company.
I know that she will have so much to share when she comes back at the end of the semester.
I know that she will be loved.
I know that she is going to go so far in life.

She is strong.

I never knew I could be so happy for another person.
I never understood why other people cried at weddings.
I understand, even though it seems like a minuscule event compared to a wedding.
I can only imagine how happy I will be at my friends’ weddings.
I can’t wait.

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Posted in Uncategorized

Healing

I don’t know how to feel.
I mean, I feel, but I don’t know what to do with it.
Should I sit with it? I mean, I’m used to just sitting with it and pretending that it’s not there.
But this feeling’s different.
It makes my head feel tight like there’s lack of air.
It makes my throat tighten, and my heart swell.
I feel like I’m going to start crying any minute now.

Continue reading “Healing”

Posted in Self-evaluation

Through the night

Bad decisions, good feelings.
I don’t really care.
I want to let go, let be.
But it would all be so much better with a full-time job, hah.

I went clubbing on Friday with some friends.
One shot.
Two shots.
Six shots.
And I’m dancing the night away.
No self-consciousness.
No self-pity.
No after thoughts.
Friends there to help keep me away from being taken by some guy.
Looking out for each other.
But it would have been nice to let each other have maybe one dance with some guy. Maybe next time.

I could have downed another shot or two and still be up and dancing.
All dressed up. But not too much.
Just having fun.
10/10 would definitely do it again.
Dance the night away at clubs.
Gotta enjoy it while I’m still young right? And the guys in the clubs aren’t younger than me.
Personally not a fan of being hit on my younger guys.
Maybe this is my prime.

I got to dance away from my problems.
Ignore my problems, as if just for one night they didn’t exist. And they didn’t.
I was just happy.
But is this the high that I’m going to be chasing?
I feel kind of sad knowing that it won’t be happening again, soon.
I wish I could go every other week.
But the drinks a little too expensive.
$8 for a shot. My goodness.
Pre-drinks are def much needed.

Next time I would invite my other friends too.
Even if I’m 99% sure they’ll say no, maybe with the exception of one.
I would say we should go clubbing since she will be leaving for her Masters, but she doesn’t favour clubbing.

I’m just waiting for my brother to leave for vacation so that I can crash at his place for the duration.
Have late nights out.
Enjoy the late-night walks.
Dance all night long.
Order pizza at 3AM.
Stay up when he town sleeps.

Wander lusting.

I hope soon, before I get a job.
Won’t be possible to crash at his place for a week or two without much worry when I’m worried about working 9-5 M-F.
Staycation.
Have my friends over.
Stay out late drinking.
Tell secrets.
Share fears.
Be loved and loving without worries.