Vice Versa

I’ve viewed myself as keeping a safe distance from people because I understand the temporary reality of relationships.
Of course relationships can be maintained, but I understand that there are circumstances in people’s lives that make this difficult, and sometimes even impossible. It requires effort and patience, and I don’t think I’m deserving.
Because I don’t see myself as deserving, I see myself as temporary, never really worth the permanent place in the lives of other people.
Lack of self love.
Seeing myself as a nuisance.
If I see myself as a nuisance, who can see past it?
If I can’t give myself the love and respect, how do I expect it from other people.
Through my own perception of self, I have made myself temporary.



Accept and Withdraw

I’ve had a realizing, sitting at work, as I accept the fact that I am new and therefore will not be working at the same speed as the other people that has been here for a few months now.
A couple weeks ago, I went through a moment of downing. I felt hopeless and useless.
Serving no purpose at all, failing to see my potential and ambitions.
I let situations cloud my journey, unable to see past the deep fog that presents itself in front of me.
A lack of guidance or support from the team came with a soul crushing feeling that I was alone.
It was more representative of where I am at this point in life.
The onus was also on me to seek the support and guidance that I needed.
But I felt that if the circumstances were a bit different, I would be learning with the support that I needed, or wanted.
I am, by no means, a passive person in learning. I like to seek new things, new challenging to better myself and learn. However, it is a bit more difficult to be proactive in learning when there are no learning materials or learning opportunities. It’s difficult to learn when you have yet to be given the basics to delve into new things.

Currently, my new client caseload needs to be adjusted by the manager isn’t here to arrange that.
The two people on my team are busy.
One of them isn’t supposed to be managing cases, but is doing so due to the lack of staff. Which is, I guess, where I come in. The other member is busy with their own caseload.
I completely understand. No one wants to be taking on additional work, and this simple fact makes me feel like I am additional work.
I guess there are two ways of looking at this: seeing as a long job shadowing experience so that you can apply to your own caseload after or that there is a lack of support in introducing you to your own caseload.
The situation would also be very different if there wasn’t a comparison point. I am only frustrated with my learning because there are two teams in the office. And my friend is on the other team. They seem to be doing a lot better with support and guidance. Their team member is helping them manage their case through introducing them to their clients and assigning work for them to do. Their team member is taking them for many more home visits to do case reviews and initial assessments. The proportion is out of balance. This is why I am frustrated.
Made me feel that I wasn’t fit for this work.
It made me feel that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t doing something right.
It made me feel hopeless and helpless, and my anxiety heightened every morning as I fathomed the thought of going to work and seeing everyone working and learning except for me.
It made me feel that opportunity wasn’t give to me.
It made me feel small.
It made me feel like I made the wrong choice.

So last week, I decided to change my attitude and perspective on the issue.
I didn’t want to be a victim of learned helplessness.
They say that if you want something done, you have to do it yourself.
So I started asking more, shadowing more; kind of just lurking around other workers to hopefully occupy my time.
While there were some learning opportunities, there were many more of just being occupied and chatting.
I realized that this still was not bringing me the learning opportunity, it was still not making others see and realize that I, too, wanted the learning experience. That I was there, that I wanted to be noticed too.
But turns out I’m as much as a filler as I was before.

I decided to accept the fact that there was nothing really I could do.
I couldn’t ask the other team member for guidance and support, although they are because we are on different teams I don’t like the though of taking opportunity from someone else for myself. The member on my team is off sick, and the other worker doesn’t really look at my cases, not that the other one does, but also I feel that is uncomfortable with me shadowing them. I don’t want to push someone else out of their comfort zone because I am not in my comfort zone.

I accepted the fact that I don’t have any work to do here.
I accepted the fact that things are going to be slow, way slow.
I accepted the fact that my time hasn’t come yet.
I accept, and while it was comforting for a while, I feel defeated.
So not only does this affect my work performance, but is affecting me in other areas of my life.
I fear the moment that my manager comes back from her vacation.
I fear her questioning me, and comparing me to my friend who has had more learning experience and opportunity than me.
I blame myself.
This is not how I wanted things to be, but it is what it is.

But today, I realize that my acceptance, or rather forced acceptance is accompanied by withdrawal.
I have withdrawn my initiative to learn.
I have withdrawn from my social life, or rather just trying to fill with emptiness that doesn’t really have any meaning.
I have withdrawn from feeling and thinking.
I have withdrawn from myself.
As much as I don’t want to admit and don’t want it to happen, I am a drastic person. My feelings are extreme, and go from one extreme to the other once I decide to switch my perspective on an issue. Usually I try to change it for the better, and while my perspective may have go intensions, my feelings say otherwise.

I am conflicted.

In conflict with myself because this is not who I am.
I am forcing myself to be someone I am not, and it raises the feelings of anxiety in me.
I am not myself and it makes me retreat.

Now I try to fill the empty time at work through being more active on social media. Social media is really not good for my mental health and self esteem, as it tampers with my confidence.
Too much indulgence in social media makes me feel like I am not good enough. It makes me over-think my relationship with my friends, and where I should be at this point in my life.

It makes me insecure.

Today, I just sit here with my thoughts.
I just want to go back home.
I feel sick.
I don’t want to be here.
I can’t even begin to think about tomorrow.
Can’t being to think about the rest of the week, and how it’s just going to be the same situation and repeat of the terrible feeling that it brings me.
I wish I didn’t have to feel this way, but I do.
If I had a choice, this would not be the choice I would make.

I feel crushed.
No one would even notice that I am here.
I am quiet in my nature, and I guess while I can say that this environment isn’t accommodating to my nature, I can also say that it might also be hindering me from learning.
I would speak up and ask questions, if I had anything to ask questions about.
It’s just a domino effect.
Everything is crushing down, fast.
One after another.
It’s just a terrible feeling when you’re forced to think about your existence.
Why you are here, and feeling like it doesn’t affect anyone else if you were to cease existing.

Self harm.
Just wanting to feel something else. To divert your mind to another source of pain.
Pain that is more manageable.
Pain that is substantial.
Pain that seems real rather than just inside yourself.
Pain that is more visible.

I feel anxious.
Anxious because I don’t want to be seen as useless.
Anxious because I am afraid that I am not who I wanted to be or thought I was.
Anxious because I feel so replaceable.
Anxious because, what would have been the situation if someone else was in my place instead of me. Would they be doing a lot better?
Anxious because I feel like I am the worst possible option for this situation, that anyone other than me would have been thriving.

It’s cold outside, but I just want to go outside, curl up in a ball and lay still.
Slowly freeze.
Slowly feel frostbites creeping up on me.
Slowly feel.
Divert my mind away from this internal conflict I feel.
Forget about the feelings.
Just to forget this state for even a short moment.

A short burst of moment that can make me feel alive.

A state of misalignment

I haven’t really written about anything, or rather been really infrequent in writing, not because I don’t know what to write, but I’m at a little loss for words.
I’m at a loss for feelings.
I don’t really know what it is that I’m feeling.
A part of me feels that I haven’t really had the time to sit with my feelings because I’m been feeling overwhelmed and consumed by life events.
Working full-time, trying to keep up with an online course, attempting to workout and participate in somewhat of a social life has been exhausting.


Just a Girl

I am the girl who is afraid.
My tough girl, nonchalant persona comes from discomfort of being with myself.
I don’t know how to be with myself.
I am scared of who I am, who I will know.
I am scared of all the bottles that will shatter.
I keep myself contained; in a bottle, a chest, a closet.
Whatever will keep me closed in.
I don’t let people know.