Accept and Heal

An old chapter concludes and a new one begins.

New Year’s is always so cliche.
I hate it, but I love it.
Sometimes it’s what we all need, the perception of a fresh, new start.
In fact, life just continues.
No beginnings, no endings.




Just a Girl

I am the girl who is afraid.
My tough girl, nonchalant persona comes from discomfort of being with myself.
I don’t know how to be with myself.
I am scared of who I am, who I will know.
I am scared of all the bottles that will shatter.
I keep myself contained; in a bottle, a chest, a closet.
Whatever will keep me closed in.
I don’t let people know.


The process

A simple task becomes too complex when your mind is clustered,
your heart flustered,
you body jittered.

You don’t know where to begin,
you forget what you have to do.
You don’t remember how you ever did it before.
It seems like a task impossible.



I have come to the conclusion that I am a perfectionist.
I thought I wasn’t because, well, sometimes I couldn’t care less.
But apparently, you don’t have to be a perfectionist about everything to be a perfectionist.
Main point is that your drive is controlled by fear.
Your desire to succeed, not driven by motivation or for the want to do well, but fear.
Fear dominates.



This is me basically going crazy.
I have been noticing that I am going crazy, down the rabbit hole.
A black hole.
I see myself going down this hole and I don’t want to stop myself.
I just let myself slip.
I see help, and I just look past it, just further down the rabbit hole.
I just want to fall.
So deep that I can’t be seen.



I’ve lost it. I’m losing my mind. I’m losing it.
Whatever “it” might be.
What are people referring to when they say “it”?

My spiritual sensibility.
My desire to continue.
My dedication to drive.
My interest in my physical well being.
My health.
It’s gone.

I’m consumed with the idea of failure and success.
But what is failure and success?
It’s a notion that we have created in our mind, it is a notion that has been implemented in our brain by society and media.
We find success in what society tells us is successful.
We are told what is successful.
We are told what is a failure.
And we constantly see ourselves as failures.
There is no perfect way to mould ourselves to be a success.

This world, this society, it builds us to be failures.
It makes us crazy and tells us that there’s something wrong with us.
It gives us a guideline.
A deadline on life.
We cram to meet the deadline, we are not textbook examples, this is reality.
We beat ourselves us for not be a textbook material.
Fit right into a box that is create, can’t be a floater.
Don’t be a snake.
Don’t be fake.
Don’t ride the bandwagon.
Don’t jump ships.

But if being real is being a static one person, then there is no way to be a real person.
We change.
We grow.
We learn.
We make mistakes.
We are not static beings.
We aren’t born with a label that decides exactly who we are going to be.
We are flexible beings, but this society doesn’t allow room for flexibility.
It tells us that when we make our timeline, we are behind schedule.
We aren’t good enough.
Being different is not good enough.

We strive for this timeline when this timeline was made without any consideration for life experiences, life changes, the unexpected.
It makes us believe that anything outside of this timeline is us deviating from the timeline and it’s devastating.

We are not all the same person and we cannot have the same timeline.

We all want different things, but wanting different things for ourselves is seen as being “brave” or sometimes “deviants”

We buy into the scheme.
We give ourselves up for a chance at winning the life lottery.
But what more is there to win when in the process we lose what we have.
Are we really winning?

We are made to believe.

We want to the picture perfect life.

We are obsessed.

We care more than we should.

We give others the power of choice over our life.

You are okay.
You are you.
You have control.
Take it.