For you

Today marks a day where I am so overjoyed that makes me want to cry.
A day where I am so excited for someone else.

My best friend left yesterday to prepare to start her Master’s.
When she messaged me to say that she was on the flight, it hit me.
She’s really going.
I am so happy and proud of her.
Not a single ounce of jealousy.
Not a single ounce of self-pity.
Not a single ounce of envy.
Only love and happiness.

My heart bursts with joy for her.
I just can’t believe the day is finally here.
I wish I could be there for her.
I am extra happy for her because this isn’t what she expected for herself.
She’s nervous and scared, so I guess I am doing all the happy for her.

I know that she’s going to be great.
I know that she’s going to get along with other people so fine.
I know that she’s going to do so well.
I know that her profs will adore her.
I know her new housemates will enjoy her company.
I know that she will have so much to share when she comes back at the end of the semester.
I know that she will be loved.
I know that she is going to go so far in life.

She is strong.

I never knew I could be so happy for another person.
I never understood why other people cried at weddings.
I understand, even though it seems like a minuscule event compared to a wedding.
I can only imagine how happy I will be at my friends’ weddings.
I can’t wait.

A reminder

My head hurts, and you just know that it’s going to be a bad day. Even though you planned for it to be productive and well.
Everything can go right, but your headache remains to remind you that things aren’t well.
That you aren’t well.
That things aren’t going well, and that they aren’t going to.
It a reminder of your bad dreams and bad nights.

It’s not just a headache, not to you.
It’s a reminder that you’re not in control.
It makes you think back to the days and nights that could be causing this throbbing headache.
You think back to the nights that you weren’t able to sleep well.
The nights where you did not get a deep sleep, and woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. This has never happened before.
You wake up needing to drink water, not being able to remember a single dream.
Your body awake, feeling all the sensation.
Your mind pleading to rest.
But you think of all the things that people have said to you.
You think of all the things that you think people are saying and thinking about you.
Unsuccessful.
Lazy.
Depressing.
Anxious.
A question.
It all runs through your mind, in your dreams, it shows up.
Nightmares.

You push your body to do better.
You push your body so that it aches. When it aches, you feel something.
Bad or good, it’s something. Something is better than nothing. Anything to numb the lack of sensation.
Pain is the best remedy.
When your body aches, you feel good. So you push harder.
Your arms weak, legs weak. Muscles torn.
Your body’s way of saying that it needs a rest, it needs more nutrients. But you interpret it as good. It’s breaking down the fat, using the stored fat. Get leaner. Be thinner.
It’s the only way to escape your depressing life, always anxious of not being the picture perfect image.
Dying to please, dying to be wanted.
All the while, they want someone who’s alive.

What happened to me? I used to be full of life. I used to be happy. But when was that?
A time that I can’t remember.
A time that only exist in theory.
You look at pictures and think, “was I happy there?”
You try to imagine what your mind was like 10, 15 years ago.
But the only things you can remember are the times where you lashed out.
The times that you were hurt.
The times that you were anxious, jealous, envious, so wanting to be someone else, so wanting something else. Never satisfied, always on edge.
Always thinking of the next escape.

You get addicted to a high, a high you can’t come down of.
When you’re anxious and depressed, you look forward to nothing. You have no standards, no expectations. It makes living life better, bearable, even though it’s a life of numbing.
Everywhere you go, you feel like tears streaming down your face.
Wherever you are, you want to cry.
You want to let your wall down, but you’re afraid. So you don’t.
You shouldn’t.
But the issue isn’t why I’m not letting myself be, an issue of why I feel this way.
Why do I have to be constantly sad, so broken.

You wonder why you’re so broken, but when you offer yourself a word of advice, it’s just goes through one ear and out the other.
No substance to stick to.

40/365: Storm before the Hurricane

I’m not sure why I decided to write again after skipping out for the past 3 days.
I feel a mess.
I feel unbalanced and irresponsible.

29/365: Permanence

I was just lying in bed when I had a sudden thought.
An epiphany?

25/365: Yesterday

I’m so lucky to be able to surround myself with people that are supportive.
They are supportive of what I want to do.
They are supportive of the things I want to give a try.
They are supportive of my if-y decisions.
They are supportive of what I am doing.
They are supportive of my efforts.
They are supportive me.

Be you, be happy

Because you are here.

4. All of the feelings

I sit here.
It’s 12:27AM with things to do and everything on my mind filling with so many feeling.
More feelings than I know what to do with.

Exhausted.
From getting no days off, at all for the last couple months.
Constantly having my mental, physical and spiritual energy drained from me.

Hopeless.
Having to much to do and not knowing where to start.
Wanting to get everything but getting nothing done at all.

Nervous and anxious.
Time is passing by so fast.
It was just yesterday that I was in first year.
So young, innocent and excited.
Now, so dull.
Looking into the future and realizing that it’s so close.
Wanting to get a high enough GPA to be accepted into a graduate school for the master’s program I want.

Sad.
My time will come.
I will graduate.
All my friends will find their way because I believe in them.
To join the real world, the unexpected.
Leaving what I know and the people I am comfortable with.
Not being able to have made enough memories to last me for however long I need.

Proud.
I came so far from such little hope.

Disappointed.
From the life I have.
It’s such a privilege to be in a position I am now, but I am drained to enjoy it.
I only complain.
Wanting more and better.
I should be doing better.
Working harder to achieve the things I need.
Stop waiting for things to happen.

Happy.
For all the things I have endured.
For all the people that are in my life.
For all the opportunities I have had.
For all the opportunities that I will have.
For all the adventures and good things that I can have in the future.

So much more.
Unable to put them into words.
All the feelings, emotions melting into one, creating a giant slim in my chest.

Vicious cycle of anxiety

Anxiety, what is it good for?
Absolutely nothing.

I used to think that anxiety was good for it.
It always kept me on the edge, always worrying, always thinking, and always exploring every single possible situation and its consequences.
I thought I was ahead of everyone else by thinking this way.
I thought that by having anxiety, I was going to accomplish more. Going to be more productive. Always prepared. Do better. Be better.
But I was wrong. I am wrong. And now I feel like there is no way out.

I see every situation play out in my mind.
I live up situations that will never happen.
I look at the worst possible situation and its consequences and passively think about it.
It distracts me.
I can’t think. I can’t get work done. All I can think of are all the negative things that are going to happen.
All the bad things that are going to come crashing down and I don’t be prepared.
I spend too much time making things up. Living in situations that won’t happen.
Living in my mind.
Living in my own worst nightmare.
Worst of all, it seems like it’s a choice I am actively making because it’s internal.
I feel like I am making myself live through this.
I try to stop, but I can’t.
Something pulls me back. It makes me feel worse.
Whenever I try to make it go away or get over it, it reminds me that I can’t. That I don’t want to. That I like feeling like this.

It makes me feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by everything.
Sometimes I wonder how I make it through everyday.
Sometimes nothing bothers me. Sometimes I forget that I feel this way. Sometimes I forget that I am me.
I try to do things without thinking about it. Without thinking so much into to overthink everything and to waste time, because it does me no good.
But instead, I think. I think about it for hours. The more I think about it, the more overwhelmed I get.
And then I fall into the rabbit hole. I feel trapped.
I feel worthless.
I feel hopeless.
I feel vulnerable.
I feel sad and I want to cry.
I breakdown.
And then I feel unproductive.
Then I think about all the time I have lost.
The time that I have lost due to myself and there is nothing I can do.
It happens every time.
I don’t want to reach out because everyone has so much more to important things to do.
Instead, I get irritated when people talk to me.
Irritated because I don’t know what to do.
Because they don’t know.
Because, I have already wasted so much time, and I feel like they’re here to waste more of my time, which I can’t afford.
I don’t need help.
I need to escape myself.
Only I can fix myself.

I try to pretend that it doesn’t affect me.
I try to seem effortless.
I try to seem like a perfectionist, instead.
But in reality, I’m just anxious.
Because anxiety won’t let me do anything unless I do everything.

So here I am.
I have fallen into my rabbit hole and I have become unproductive.
I’ve been avoiding my responsibilities because I feel that this feeling will go away when I don’t give into its demand.
But what is its demand? I don’t really know.
So I just pretend that nothing is wrong and I am happy and lazy.

Not in terms with happiness

I am not one to be a familiar friend of happiness. For me, happiness is that one person that I desperately want to be friends with, but too afraid to get close to. We are acquaintances, we occasionally engage in conversations, but nothing that lasts. It has gotten to a point where I have led myself to believe that this is the extent of our friendship. Too scared to lose what I have to risk getting closer to happiness. I have convinced myself that I am content with my state of neutrality. Not too happy nor sad. 

When I was younger, I used to think that I was in charge of my own happiness and that I was the sole person affected by my level of happiness and how I decide to live my life, happy or not. But I realize that that is not the case anymore. My happiness also affects other people. More so because they are a part of my happiness, and not just outsiders. Not only do I not let myself to be happy, but I also do not let other people make me happy and to be a part of me. This is not fair to them or myself. I push people away in fear of happiness. I purposely act in a way people disapprove. Now, I subconsciously push people away with my words and actions. I find ways to push them away. I actually go through troubles to keep myself from being happy because I am afraid of how I will react when I get a little dose of happiness. Will I become depressed? Will I become dependent on other people? Will I still be the same person? 

Happiness is something I have to come in terms with. At this point in my life, I am happy. I am happy and I am looking to demolish it. How do I come to terms with happiness? Do I let myself be? Or do I have to keep my distance and only see it from afar? Happiness is the greatest gift of life we often take granted for. Some people do not have happiness at all and every glimpse of happiness we should treasure, but often we don’t. Since not everyone has happiness, I have learned to believed that I am not deserving of happiness. I do not believe I have done enough good deeds for the world to have the amount of happiness that I do. There are far more people that has done good than I have, yet I experience more happiness than they do. In no way am I saying that I am positively sure that they are deprived of happiness nor am I gloating about the happiness that I have. I truly feel privileged to have the happiness in my life, and the  people who make it possible for me to feel this way. I am simply stating that this is not fair. And I know that the world isn’t fair and that I would get my head out of the clouds but I can’t and I don’t want to. I want to live the short life I have on this earth thinking that way I do, and having the view I want. I don’t tell other people how to view the world and I don’t think I would be told otherwise as well. No one should tell another person how the view the world because no one person has the same perspective as the next. Our different perspectives make us unique and allow for different creative ideas, needs, and wants. Any who, I think it is time for me to stop jeopardizing my own happiness and to accept the great things that come into my life. I shouldn’t just dismiss it because I feel that I don’t deserve it. I should live to give back to the world for all it has given me.

It is not fair for the people around me to be dismissed because of my troubles with myself. I love the people in my life dearly and the least I could do is accept the happiness they give me and hope that I am able to provide them with the same. If I don’t accept the love and happiness they give me, I am not able to reciprocate the feelings they give me or show them the feelings have for them. I need to get my act together and approach happiness. I hate making people feel sad by my actions, my attempts to push them away because of my fears. I am ready to take happiness by the hand and walk with it. To let it be a part of my life and to enjoy the short life I have on earth. 

I think I fell

This is bad but I think I have. This is not going to end well for both him and I. I’ve fallen and I do not want to get back up. I stay down as I slowly begin to surrender and allow him to be a part of my life. I normally do not like to surrender without a fight but it’s different this time. I don’t easily let people be a part of my life but I have made an exception. I’m still not good at expressing my affection towards you, so here I am writing, writing about you. Maybe one day I will let you read it. But not today.
I love how you have let me in, how you tell me stories. You show me more affection than I believe to deserve. You take me for who I am and I learn to be more accepting of myself through your eyes. You make me happy and I hope I do the same. Being affectionate makes me nervous and vulnerable, which I am not used to nor was it ever a trait considered good as I was growing up. But you make it easier for me to be vulnerable.
I’m just going to end it by saying that I like being in your presence because while the mentions of the little details may be sweet, I want to let you know by little feelings and actions without me needing to spell it out.
Goodnight