Mind over matter

It is true what everyone says, mental illness consumes you.
You can’t glamorize it no matter how hard you try.
You try to exploit your own mental illness to work in your favourite, maybe to pave your path, but it doesn’t work like that, really.
The more you think about it, the more it makes you want to cry. But you can’t really not think about it, because then you just end up not thinking about it at all. You wonder if everyone feels like this. I wonder if everyone feels like this. I become consumed in other people. I wonder what they’re thinking. I wonder if they’re just as numb as I am, blocking out as much as they can. Trotting along, trying to hide who they are.

47/365: Locked and Set

Am I getting worse?
Or am I getting worse just simply by thinking that I am getting worse.
Am I enabling myself?
Am I locking myself out on purpose?
Questions that can only be answered by me, but unable to question myself.

45/365: Teeter Tottering

I slowly just accept the fact that it’s taking over me.
My mental stability teetering between highs and lows.

10/365: It is okay

We all like to believe in certain things about ourselves. I know I do.
Especially regarding my health.
I like to believe that I’m healthy.
I don’t boast about it, but I make it known that I am healthy and lean.
Some say I may be too thin, but I fall back on saying that I’m still healthy.
Or so I believed.

8/365: Travel troubles

Why. Can’t. I. Poop.
Honestly.

Dump

A rollercoaster of emotions.
A rollercoaster of thoughts and feelings.
But nothing explained.
I just feel so.

Overthinking

Just one of those days where you overthink everything that happens in your life, as well as for everything that doesn’t happen.
Also, today is a Thursday, which means that some bad luck event is expected.

Process

Everything is a process.

It’s okay to feel like you aren’t being productive some days. You are in the process of restoring your body, fulfilling your wants, desires, or needs to rest.

Content

I struggle with self image. I don’t think I’m pretty enough, thin enough, toned enough, tall enough, my hair isn’t long enough, and the list goes on and on.

Day 2: still struggling

I’m so tired.
I feel so unproductive.
I am not making a good recovery.
I am having more doubts and more anxious feelings.
Some of my anxious feelings from yesterday continues to linger despite my efforts.

I feel anxious because I feel like I am being wasteful of my time.
I have a six hour break between my two classes on Tuesdays and Thursday.
And my boyfriend lives near campus and I end up spending my six hours with him since he asks.
Previously, I have planned to be super productive in my six hours.
I planned to get all my readings from my morning class done before my later class, but that hasn’t been happening at all.
I feel like I’m falling behind.
I feel like I’m not as on top of my work as I can be.
I planned on doing all my readings and making notes, since when I get home it’s pretty later. Normally around 10:30.
And on the days I don’t have class, I find myself too preoccupied and stressed out.
This is not healthy for me.
And then today I wondered if he would do what I am doing right now for me.
I wonder about this because I know he’s really into getting all his work done, and all that jazz.
I wonder because I feel like he wouldn’t.
I feel like if I were to ask him, he would say yes.
But in practice, no.
And then I feel like I’m even more wasteful.
Look at me wasting all my time when I can be productive.
I mean yes, it’s good to spend time with him and everything, but I wonder if I should be prioritizing my time with him before my school work, before my education. My education I am paying for. Giving up my time that I should be putting in towards school to get a higher mark. The higher mark I need to bring up my GPA. The higher mark I need to get into grad school later.
And then I feel so stupid.
I feel like such a child because I am only realizing this now.
What’s even more hateful is that he know how much my grades mean to me.
He knows how much he prioritizes school for himself.
He knows how much I’m trying to do better, to do well. Yet he requests that I spend time with me and I agree to it.

I need to focus.
I need to find myself.
I need to say what I feel.
I need to say what is on my mind.
I need to be nicer to those who are around me, but that doesn’t mean sacrificing myself.
I need to find a balance.
I need to stop shutting people out when they request 5 minute of my time just because I have know I’m going to spending many hours with someone and I need to make up for it.
It isn’t fair.
It isn’t fair to me, or for the people I am shutting down.

I need to be better to myself.